Marriage is fragile.....

This week in my marriage class we discussed fidelity.  We often think of infidelity as an emotional and physical relationship. Infidelity comes in many forms, including emotional without the physical. This could be relationships with co workers of the opposite sex or even online.
Being faithful to one's spouse includes being a complete level of commitment, respect and trust, not just avoiding physical contact with another.
The Savior in the book of Matthew taught : " That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart"(Matthew 5:27-28)
Marriages are fragile relationships that require a great deal of time and work from both participants.
In his talk "In Praise of Those who Save", President Uchtdorf states:
"...strong marriage and family relationships do not happen just because we are members of the Church. They require constant, intentional work. The doctrine of eternal families must inspire us to dedicate our best efforts to saving and enriching our marriages and families. I admire and applaud those who have preserved and nourished these critical, eternal relationships."

Continually working on strengthening and nourishing our marriages helps reduce the need to look elsewhere for what we feel our marriage may be missing. 

Some simple steps to start with could be:

1. Appreciating our spouses by saying “I love you” and giving sincere compliments.
2. Communicating effectively, including making time to talk and nurture the marriage spiritually and physically.
3. Contemplate often and chose sacred places like the temple to do this together. -Elder Nelson

Charity....

I have learned a great deal about my marriage and myself as I have read both Goddard and Gottman’s Books. They each bring important ideas and tools for a successful marriage. Gottman covered the things that are more secular and Goddard those of a spiritual basis. I know that if I apply both of them consistently my marriage will continue to grow and become stronger. I don’t think it matters how long anyone has been married, there is always something to learn and approve on. For me, the most important thing I learned from Goodards book was in his last chapter that focused on charity. When we are seeking to have the pure love of Christ we are seeking to love someone to the point that we can overlook the imperfections and see them how Christ sees them. Can you imagine a world where we all tried to see one another as Christ does? A great place to start is on our homes with those that we love most and are hoping to spend eternity with. There were a few points in the chapter that stood out to me.

The quote by Marleen S. Williams where she states,” When you understand another person through the lens of his or here own life experiences and history, you will find it easier to interpret that person’s behavior accurately and to learn how to accommodate differences. (128)”

Or I like to see it as more of seeing past the differences that will not change, the perpetual problems that all of us experience with our spouses and even within other relationships.

Goddard also mentions in his action section a reminder that “we love Him because He loved us first. The same can apply to marriage. Our partners will love us because we first love them. Love first. Don’t wait to be loved. (131)”

No one likes to wait but I never applied the concept to the love between spouses and this is something that can be applied throughout our marriages. When there is always love being given first it makes it much harder to fall out of.

Forgiveness......

There is not one of us who has not been wronged or on the flip side wronged someone else and needed to give or receive forgiveness. We are all in need of the virtue of forgiveness from our Father in Heaven and also from those around us. It is a humbling process from either side.

I was reading in Matt 18 this week, which contains the parable of the unmerciful servant.  This parable reminds us how important it is to give the forgiveness to others that we are desperately seeking ourselves. Forgiveness is an important part of a faithful and strong marriage and family. In a 2011 Ensign article, Richard Miller a BYU professor, talked about how important forgiveness is in our families and marriages he taught,” In order for a marriage to be successful, there also needs to be forgiveness. Repentance and forgiveness are complementary gospel principles, and both are necessary in order for us to progress spiritually.

Resentment is one of the worst poisons in marriage. It doesn’t ruin a marriage overnight. Rather, it is like decay that gradually and silently damages your teeth. Forgetting to brush your teeth once doesn’t ruin your teeth; however, numerous instances of neglect over many years will. Similarly, resentment accumulates gradually, often without us even noticing it. If left untreated, it builds up over a number of years to the point where it destroys love.

Just as our sins and weaknesses are washed away through repentance, forgiveness washes away the hurts and emotional injuries that must be anticipated in being married to someone who is imperfect.

Forgiveness is the perfect antidote for the poison of resentment. It neutralizes our hurt feelings and makes room in our hearts for love to flourish and grow. President Boyd K. Packer of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught:

“All of us carry excess baggage around from time to time, but the wisest ones among us don’t carry it for very long. They get rid of it. … Often … the things we carry are petty, even stupid. … If you resent someone for something he has done—or failed to do—forget it. We call that forgiveness. It is powerful, spiritual medicine.”

These same principles apply within a marriage, and perhaps more so. The best response to being hurt is, as President Packer implied, to get over it. Marriage is too important for us to clutter our minds and hearts with resentment that is created by dwelling on the faults and weaknesses of our spouse. We need to forgive and move on.” (Ensign, September 2011)

How grateful I am for the Savior and His atonement that makes it possible to receive forgiveness for my sins and find the strength to seek and offer forgiveness to others.

Anger....

How often have we lost our tempers? I could probably say too many times to count right? Anger and it’s avoidance must be something I need to work on as not only did we have the article this week but in my New Testament class I read in Matt 5:22 how we are not to be angry with our brother and had a great quote in my scriptures next to the verse from President Monson. The quote talked about how important it was that we control our anger and it is our decision to do so.

Though difficult at times, it really is our decision whether or not we lose our temper. My husband often tells our kids that we don’t have control of others actions but we do have control over how we respond to them.

However, it does seem easier to respond in anger to those we love, like our spouses, than to others that do not hold a significant part in our lives. But, like Elder Robbins teaches in his talk, this ability to choose whom we become angry at proves we can control our anger. “No one makes us mad. Others don’t make us angry. There is no force involved. Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!” (Robbins, 2007)

And when we choose anger, we lose the Spirit, self-control and often emotionally hurt the ones we love most. I wish it was easier to keep a temper in check but the scriptures have taught us that we can as we lead our families by persuasion, long-suffering, gentleness, kindness and meekness and by love unfeigned. (D&C 121:42-42) As we focus on using these attributes in our family relationships we are less likely to let anger become one of our choices.

Humility is the antidote....

When I think of the big and the little arguments that my husband and I have had over the years, and we have had our share, I’m realizing that the core issue dwindles down to pride. Either not wanting to admit defeat, feeling as though our needs come before others, inability to take advice or learn from the other, the list goes on. The world celebrates the idea of individualism, making one feel happiness can only come when one’s individual needs are pursued and met first. It is no longer the two of us but often a you and I perspective. Goddard in his book, “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage” makes a good point when he states,” The natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others. God has asked us to do the opposite. We are to fix ourselves by repenting, and to love others.” (69)

Honestly, who really wants to admit when they are wrong, are not cutting it or needing to make a change for the better? It’s so much easier to make it someone else’s problem or turn away from what we know to be right and this is pride. President Ezra Taft Benson in his amazing talk “Beware of Pride” taught,” Pride adversely affects all our relationships-our relationship with God and His servants, between husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, teacher student, and all mankind. Our degree of pride determines how we treat our God and our brothers and sisters. Christ wants to lift us where He is. Do we desire the same for others?”

Pride is something we all experience and is a constant work in action to remove it from our lives. The key to doing so is humility and repentance. President Benson in the same talk gives us a list of things we can do to become more humble:

-Lifting others as high or higher than we are.

-Be wiling to receive counsel and chastisement.

-Forgive those who have offended us.

-Rendering selfless service. (This includes within our marriage and family)

-Putting God first and submitting to His will.

Our marriages and our other relationships will become stronger if we chose humility over pride. “Rather than be bothered by the things we want to change in our partners and marriages, we can learn to accept humanness and flaws in our partners. We can laugh at the foibles that bedevil all of us. We can pray for mercy for ourselves and our partners. Because each of us desperately needs mercy, we can offer mercy to each other (Goddard, 85).”

Turning in the right direction.....

I really loved the chapter our class focused on this week. It was all about turning toward your partner and not away.  As I read I thought about my husband and I's relationship and the little things we do that fall under this category. I did not even realize we were doing things that strengthen a marriage and draw us closer. We do quite a few things that are recommended on Gottman's list. Just the other day we were texting each other and seeing how each others day was going. Years ago a Bishop recommended to the priesthood that they hold hands with their wife when they pray as a couple, and we have been doing that since. The little things really are key here. The text, questions about one's day, running boring errands together, praying together and spending the mundane parts of our lives with one another. The list of possible ways to turn towards someone important to you is long yet simple. A text or act of service often takes just a moment. 
The section of reading that really stood out to me was when Gottman discusses "missing" a bid because it is wrapped up in anger or negative emotions. This is where I see an opportunity for me to improve not only in the relationship with my husband but also with my teenagers. For example, my gluten free daughter was angry yesterday claiming there was nothing for her to eat. My response referred to her pickiness. This was far from helpful. I missed that her anger was actually a bid for help to find something to eat because she was stressed and tired. How different that moment would have looked if I had offered to help her find something instead of my original response.
"...focus on the bid, not on the delivery." (92). I think these words of advice may just save me a confrontation or two or three. 

Map of love...well, a Love Map

In the reading this week, I was able to relate to the importance of love maps, or being intimately familiar with what is going on in your spouses life. When my husband and I got married we did not have kids for five years. We worked through the infertility, the bed rest when I was pregnant, and then the triplets came. My husband was working fulltime and going to nursing school full time, finances were tight and we had three preemie newborns that were our greatest joy but also our greatest struggle. We both went into survival mode; our lives became shifts around each other to meet the needs of our babies. Eventually, my husband finished school and was working hours that allowed him to be home more and the babies became more independent. It was at this time our marriage began to struggle. One day after a large argument, we just looked at each other and realized we did not really know the people standing in front of each other like we used to. Our love maps had lost their detail and direction.

The two of us had been in survival mode for a long time, not recognizing the changes and growth happening in each other’s lives. As we came to this realization we began to remember what was most important and that was our relationship. We began to spend more time together, without the kids, have meaningful conversations again and remembered the covenants that we had made and drew strength from them.

I love the quote by Elder Bruce C. Hafen used in Goddard’s book “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage”, he states, “When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by the covenants to each other, to the community, and to God (Goddard, 46).”

The concept of a love map helps us truly know our spouses, strengthening the friendship and then the love, thus making it possible to get through the challenging times without seeing the need to walk away as the solution.