The Four Horsemen.....

Have you ever been reading a self-help book and as you read along you begin to think of other people as they describe issues and personalities that need improvement, and how they would benefit from the advice given? This week as I read in “the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, I had an eye opening experience. The author John Gottman who is famous for his Love Lab and other studies in marriage, discusses the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. However, these four discussed are not the cause of the end of the world but the end of a marriage. One of these four listed is stonewalling. As I read this description, I realized that this is what my husband does on occasion, disengages from the conflict or stress, which studies show 80% of men do. I began to get excited thinking how I am going to find out how to stop it from happening and how he can change it, and then I kept reading. In those next few paragraphs, I came to a very quick realization. Dr. Goddard states,” …people stonewall as a protection against feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed, a sensation we call flooding. It occurs when your spouse’s negativity is so intense and sudden it leaves you shell shocked. You feel so defenseless against this sniper attack that you learn to do anything to avoid a replay (Goddard, pg.40).” In those few paragraphs I learned that sometimes my husband stonewalls and sometimes I’m a sniper. We have been married for twenty years and our positives outweigh our negatives, but it looks like we have some work to do.

Stonewalling is only one of the Four Horsemen or predictors of the demise of marriage. The other three include criticism, contempt, and defensiveness. The following video from The Gottman Institute gives a great explanation of each:

There is no such thing as a perfect marriage, we all send out one these horsemen at times. I think it’s important no matter how long we have been married to take a moment and evaluate if we are sending them out too often or if they are beginning to take residence in our lives and relationships.

Goddard mentions that trust, commitment and friendship is the basis to a sound relationship and none of those comes automatically. They all take time and effort and if that effort is spent sending out horsemen the relationship will be unable to thrive.