Turning in the right direction.....

I really loved the chapter our class focused on this week. It was all about turning toward your partner and not away.  As I read I thought about my husband and I's relationship and the little things we do that fall under this category. I did not even realize we were doing things that strengthen a marriage and draw us closer. We do quite a few things that are recommended on Gottman's list. Just the other day we were texting each other and seeing how each others day was going. Years ago a Bishop recommended to the priesthood that they hold hands with their wife when they pray as a couple, and we have been doing that since. The little things really are key here. The text, questions about one's day, running boring errands together, praying together and spending the mundane parts of our lives with one another. The list of possible ways to turn towards someone important to you is long yet simple. A text or act of service often takes just a moment. 
The section of reading that really stood out to me was when Gottman discusses "missing" a bid because it is wrapped up in anger or negative emotions. This is where I see an opportunity for me to improve not only in the relationship with my husband but also with my teenagers. For example, my gluten free daughter was angry yesterday claiming there was nothing for her to eat. My response referred to her pickiness. This was far from helpful. I missed that her anger was actually a bid for help to find something to eat because she was stressed and tired. How different that moment would have looked if I had offered to help her find something instead of my original response.
"...focus on the bid, not on the delivery." (92). I think these words of advice may just save me a confrontation or two or three. 

Map of love...well, a Love Map

In the reading this week, I was able to relate to the importance of love maps, or being intimately familiar with what is going on in your spouses life. When my husband and I got married we did not have kids for five years. We worked through the infertility, the bed rest when I was pregnant, and then the triplets came. My husband was working fulltime and going to nursing school full time, finances were tight and we had three preemie newborns that were our greatest joy but also our greatest struggle. We both went into survival mode; our lives became shifts around each other to meet the needs of our babies. Eventually, my husband finished school and was working hours that allowed him to be home more and the babies became more independent. It was at this time our marriage began to struggle. One day after a large argument, we just looked at each other and realized we did not really know the people standing in front of each other like we used to. Our love maps had lost their detail and direction.

The two of us had been in survival mode for a long time, not recognizing the changes and growth happening in each other’s lives. As we came to this realization we began to remember what was most important and that was our relationship. We began to spend more time together, without the kids, have meaningful conversations again and remembered the covenants that we had made and drew strength from them.

I love the quote by Elder Bruce C. Hafen used in Goddard’s book “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage”, he states, “When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by the covenants to each other, to the community, and to God (Goddard, 46).”

The concept of a love map helps us truly know our spouses, strengthening the friendship and then the love, thus making it possible to get through the challenging times without seeing the need to walk away as the solution.

The Four Horsemen.....

Have you ever been reading a self-help book and as you read along you begin to think of other people as they describe issues and personalities that need improvement, and how they would benefit from the advice given? This week as I read in “the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, I had an eye opening experience. The author John Gottman who is famous for his Love Lab and other studies in marriage, discusses the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. However, these four discussed are not the cause of the end of the world but the end of a marriage. One of these four listed is stonewalling. As I read this description, I realized that this is what my husband does on occasion, disengages from the conflict or stress, which studies show 80% of men do. I began to get excited thinking how I am going to find out how to stop it from happening and how he can change it, and then I kept reading. In those next few paragraphs, I came to a very quick realization. Dr. Goddard states,” …people stonewall as a protection against feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed, a sensation we call flooding. It occurs when your spouse’s negativity is so intense and sudden it leaves you shell shocked. You feel so defenseless against this sniper attack that you learn to do anything to avoid a replay (Goddard, pg.40).” In those few paragraphs I learned that sometimes my husband stonewalls and sometimes I’m a sniper. We have been married for twenty years and our positives outweigh our negatives, but it looks like we have some work to do.

Stonewalling is only one of the Four Horsemen or predictors of the demise of marriage. The other three include criticism, contempt, and defensiveness. The following video from The Gottman Institute gives a great explanation of each:

There is no such thing as a perfect marriage, we all send out one these horsemen at times. I think it’s important no matter how long we have been married to take a moment and evaluate if we are sending them out too often or if they are beginning to take residence in our lives and relationships.

Goddard mentions that trust, commitment and friendship is the basis to a sound relationship and none of those comes automatically. They all take time and effort and if that effort is spent sending out horsemen the relationship will be unable to thrive.

Wolves.....

When my husband and I were first married, his Abuelo, who just turned 99, would often share stories. One afternoon, he shared the story of the two wolves that live within us. Later, I realized this is a famous Cherokee tale but at the time I had never heard of it. The story basically goes like this:

A grandfather is talking with his grandson and he says there are two wolves inside of us which are always at war with each other. 

One of them is a good wolf, which represents things like kindness, bravery and love. The other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed, hatred and fear.

The grandson stops and thinks about it for a second then he looks up at his grandfather and says, “Grandfather, which one wins?”

The grandfather quietly replies the one you feed.

I thought of this story as I read the article, “Covenant Marriage” by Elder Bruce C. Hafen. In his talk he mentions how every marriage is tested by three wolves. The first is natural adversity. Second is personal imperfection and third is excessive individualism (Hafen, Ensign, 1996). We can often see how adversity and imperfection could create a wedge in relationships but individualism on the other hand, how is it such a challenge?

In the dictionary individualism is defined as being independent and self-reliant. It can also be used to describe what makes each of us unique based on our pursuits. These are not negative traits when speaking as an individual. However, when one becomes married they are not only individuals but also equal partners to a husband or wife. Marriages based on primarily individual needs and whether or not those needs are being met cannot thrive. It is a joint effort balancing individuality and reaching out through love and service to our spouses.

The Family Proclamation describes what we can be working on to find that balance. It states:

“Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.”

Proclaim....

“Marriage is sacred to those who live by their religions and offers unique fulfillment to those who find meaning in the secular realm. Its dynamic allows two people to find a life that could not be found alone, for marriage becomes greater then just the two persons. Rising from the most basic human needs, marriage is essential to our most profound hopes and aspirations.”

-Obergefell vs. Hodges

 In 2004 the famous case of Obergefell v Hodges was presented to the Supreme Court, passing the law that same sex marriage was no longer a decision of State and the right to be married was to be granted throughout the country. Marriage as a historical foundation to our society was redefined. The thought that follows for many Christians is what this means in their defense of marriage and family between man and woman as it has been ordained of God.

Many of us have friends and family that are gay and now married. I have an uncle that I adore who was married to his partner last year. Elder Russel M. Nelson shares these thoughts in his talk, “Disciples of Jesus Christ-Defenders of Marriage” he states,” Brothers and sisters, ungirded by incontrovertible truth, proclaim your love for God! Proclaim your love for all human beings” with malice towards none, with charity for all.” They as children of God are our brothers and sisters. We value their rights and feelings. But we cannot condone efforts to change divine doctrine. It is not for man to change.”

When placed in these situations, I think of the Savior. He loved, healed and served others without judgment. However, he stood firm in His doctrine and what He knew to be true. The world did not cause him to waver and we can learn from His example. We love and serve without judgment but defend what we know to be true. This may be through example, our votes, and in casual conversations. In Romans 1:16 Paul taught, “For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ: for it is the power of God unto salvation to everyone that believeth.”